Mildred's Parlor:
Ulaylee enters the parlor from the front door, heralded by the whine of weathered hinges.
Ulaylee knocks on the door.
Irma looks up, Mildred beside her. Mildred smiles and rises, "Why Ulaylee! How good of you to make it!" Irma, like the mouse she is, just bobs her head obediently, and smiles.
Ulaylee walks in with poor Mr. Ewing in tow. He really really does not want to be here. Ulaylee says, "Of course I wouldn't miss it. Something -must- be done."
Mildred nods, authoritatively, and Irma chimes in with her own vigorious nod. Mildred asserts, "It's bad enough that that Stranger Girl is letting a man paw her, but THE DEPUTY SHERIFF." Mildred and Irma and the entire LAC haven't been too unhappy that Jack Transom has disappeared, and the Pinkerton SEEMED like a good choice. Until....!
Until he put said paws on her butt-TOCKS! Shocking! Ulaylee says, "And she is the neice of Mr. Quintan, one of our most highly respected citizens. I am sure he'll be upset. What a slap in his face!
Robert Ewing speaks up, "Ulee dear, I think I'm going to go get me a medicinal swaller down to the saloon." He still acts like s shy teenager.
Irma nods nods nods. From hanging around Mildred, Irma has strong neck muscles. "So," says Mildred, "It is agreed - a Letter is in order." She shuffles notes. "Irma and I have been discussing. The word 'reprehensible' should be in there."
Ulaylee doesn't even notice her hubby, which is as good as an ok to him. He trots out, leaving his wife to do her worst to the town at large. Ulaylee says, "And philadering...add philandering."
Irma purses her lips and asks, quietly, "What's 'philandering'?"
Ulaylee says, "Why, pawing at a girls ButtTOCKS is philadering.
Mildred nodnods to that (Mildred knew that, of course - she was just being quiet so that Ulaylee could explain. That's quiet old MIldred Jones, you know.) Irma's eyes brighten. "Oh! I didn't realize they had a word for that. So what's pawing a boy's buttocks called?"
Ulaylee says, "Headonism." She really means hedonism, but she's of the archie bunker type.
Melvina enters the parlor from the front door, heralded by the whine of weathered hinges.
Melvina sticks her head in the door "Yooo hooooo!"
Ulaylee waves her hanky to Melvina, "Come in dear. This is an emergency!"
Melvina gasps "I knew it! My sixth sense was telling me something was up!"
Melvina shuts the door behind her and waddles across the room.
Irma looks up and smiles shyly to Melvina. Mildred, beside her, rises from her seat and ushers Melvina in. "Why Melvina! How good of you to come. You -do- know what happened, don't you?"
Ulaylee says, "Melvina, dear, you'll never-on-gods-green-earth believe what Milly and I witnessed only last night!
Melvina squeezes between the arms of a chair and settles in "Tell me all about it, I'm all ears!"
Mildred echos. "Not on God's Green Earth." She glances around. "Tea, anyone? 'Restorative' tea."
Melvina nods to Mildred "Tea would be a pure delight. My throat has been dry, simply dry, with all the dust raised up by the summer heat."
Ulaylee sits down in a chair that is a size 8, while she is a size 18 and so naturally it creaks. She says, "Restorative tea is just the thing." And then to Melvina, "First, someone say Mr Bender, Mr, DEPUTY Bender with his hands on Miss Fox's butt-TOCKS."
Mildred's 'restorative' tea is somewhat heavy on the restorative - brandy, and she smiles, heading in back to heat the water. And get the brandy. Good thing that Robert Ewing left. He'll never know." Irma, still on the couch, sits poised with pen and ink and paper on a small lap desk.
Melvina gasps "The new deputy! I knew he was a bounder the moment I laid eyes on him! Why, I told Minnie "If ever a man was trouble, it's that one with his bedroom eyes!"
Irma blinks. "You told that to -Minnie-?" Irma knows old Minnie has a weak heart. "And what did she say?" Irma also knows that Minnie does a bit of looking after the men, when they pass in those tight sit-down-upons.
Ulaylee nods in vigorous agreement to Melvina, "And -then-, they were seen together in a restaruant (THE restaurant), and then my son, Bobby, saw them headed down into an Alley. What, I say, WHAT, would two people be doing in an alley where neither belongs? I'll tell you what. more BUTT-tocks."
Melvina looks at Ulaylee, envy warring with shock on her face. "They are surely both bound for H-E-L-L."
Melvina says "Minnie says she heard he had every girl in the saloon while he was being a detective and she was /sure/ he wasn't just askin' them questions about any case."
Irma swallows, paling. Oh my. Another glance to where Mildred got off to. Irma can't function without Mildred, or another strong figure to tell her what to do.
Ulaylee takes some tea and nods again, with such enthusiasm she rattles her brains and starts to feel the onset of a headache. Poor Mr. Ewing: no hole in the sheet even. "We must write to her uncle, and of course, Sheriff Kyle." She looks shocked at Melvina's revelation.
Ulaylee says primly, "So far we have `philandering'."
Irma adds, in a squeak, "And 'reprehensible'. Those words."
Melvina makes a note to herself to look in that alley later for *clues* "I have it on good authority that Terral Fox is bound for hell and damnation. Any girl who wears sit-down-upons is just asking for it."
Mildred returns, steaming tea in one hand and a not-so-delicate bottle of brandy in the other. We're talking an Economical Buy, bottle of Brandy. Economical's key concept being, buying in bulk. "So what have we decided?"
Ulaylee says to Mildred, "We ahve decided `reprehensible' and `philandering'
Ulaylee shakes her head, tsk tsk tsking. And to Melvina, "I say the girl was asking for it, wearing them sit down upons."
Mildred looks pleased. "Very good." Tea is set down, and Mildred is set down. She pours cups for everyone and dumps a good shot into both her and Irma's tea, then scoots the brandy over to the other women. "Restorative. So how shall we start? Dear Mister Quintan, and Mister - no - Sheriff Kyle:... Should we write the mayor, too?"
Melvina leans forward and picks up her tea, fat pinky held stiffly at the correct angle. "Definitely!"
Irma looks to Mildred for confirmation. Mildred looks at Ulaylee.
Ulaylee nods vigorously, her curls bobbing up and down like ping pong balls in a lake. "Oh yes, the Mayor definitely."
Ulaylee orates, "It has come to OUR attention..." Her finger wags up and down as she speaks.
Melvina says "...That Moral Terpitude has come to Maddock."
That decided, Irma bows her head over the paper. She murmurs as she writes, "One letter, copied to Mister Quintan, Sheriff Kyle and Mayor Garrett." Irma shivers. She's never done anythign so important before in her life.
Ulaylee adds, "And this turpintine.." She doesn't know what terpitude is but guesses its a good word. "Has taken the form of none other than Miss Terral Fox and Mr. Elijah Bender!"
Irma wait wait waits and takes a sip of her tea. "OK. Here:
Melvina listens avidly, sipping her brandy..er, tea.
It has come to our attention that moral Terptitude - how do I spell Terptitude? - has come to Maddock, and has taken the form of none other than Miss Terral Fox and Mister Elijah Bender.
Irma looks up.
Ulaylee nods, "Good so far."
Melvina looks between the women, her look approving. "I think that says it, don't you?"
Ulaylee says, "I think we should call for wedding nuptials."
Melvina says "Don't forget to mention "alleys""
Ulaylee says "After all, he did LAY HANDS on her."
Mildred nods sagely to this. "And But-TOCKS."
Melvina gets quite red-faced at the thought. Perhaps she'll have one of her spells. "Oh, dear, I'm sure I feel quite faint."
Ulaylee says, "Now now, Melvina dear, think! It's for the good of the town that we're doingthis."
Irma looks with concern over to Melvina. "Melvina, dear, have some of Mildred's restorative.
Ulaylee pours so restorative into her own tea - an unmeasured amount.
Ulaylee * some.
Melvina nods "I know, I know...just let me get my breath." Melvina's spells are more due to the tightness of her whale-bone corset which vanity dictates must be two sizes too small.
Irma looks again at the letter. "Next?" She sits, primly, waiting.
Ulaylee waves her hand in the air as she speaks, "Firstly, Mr. Bender is DEPUTY, and should be above reproach. His man-handling of Miss Fox must stop, or else he must forfit his job and becomea dentist."
Irma nods, licking her lips and eyeing Mildred - who nods - for her confirmation. "First," She repeats the rest, her pen moving on paper. * and her player runs to get some. :)
Melvina blinks "A dentist? I have this tooth that has been paining me for some time"
Melvina points to her jaw "I told Minnie the other day that I'd have seen a dentist but the last one I went too, I'm sure, was looking down my dress in the most indencent way!"
Ulaylee nods to Melvina, "Me, too. The town needs a dentist, anyway, and plus its not as scandalous if a dentist handles a woman's behind, but a DEPUTY?"
Irma carefully scribes this. Mildred worries, "How about 'reprehensible'?"
Melvina says "I think we need to include that Miss Fox is a member of one of the finest familiy's in the community and has failed to maintain the Expected Standard."
Ulaylee continues the oration between sips of tea, "And Miss Fox's continued wearing of those sit down upons is reprehensible. She is asking to be man handled@
Ulaylee nods avidly to Melvina.
Irma nods, turning down to her paper, "Miss Fox is..."
Ulaylee leans over, looking at what Irma writes, "What Melvina said, and -then- reprehsensible.
MIldred looks proud.
Ulaylee says, "And then we need to conclued with mandates.
Another waterly look at Ulaylee from Irma. "Do what with whom?"
Melvina nods "Oh, yes, Mandates"
Mildred clears her throat and repeats, louder, for Irma. "MANDATES."
Ulaylee says, "Yes. We can have a few mandates, since we are amoung the finest citizens in Maddock."
Irma nods. She turns back, to begin writing, "And we must end with the mandates:..."
Irma adds, 'since we are the finest....' Mildred looks over, "No, no now. Leave that out - not that. Here...Um...." She thinks.
Melvina says "We /demand/ that Social Order and Proper Behavior be the standard for Public Servants who serve the Public Trust."
Ulaylee nods vehemently, "What Melvina said."
MIldred looks the letter over, "The part about marriage, and buttocks. We can't leave that out."
Ulaylee says "And we suggest to Mr. Quintan that he have the girl married as soon as can be done reasonably.""
Ulaylee says, "Can you imagine? Twenty four and still not married?!"
Melvina nods eagerly "Oh, yes! She must be properly bound in Holy Matrimony!"
Irma can't believe that. "I was married at fourteen." And still happy. Amazing. "So after the Public Trust part, we say something about Buttocks and marrying, or do we not say anyting about Buttocks?"
Ulaylee says, "I hate to say anything about but-TOCKS, but we MUST."
Yeah, sure, Ulaylee. Have some more restorative.
Melvina says "I think we /must/ say about the but-TOCKs or they won't take us seriously."
Mildred announces, "An examples of such behavior that CANNOT be allowed to go on in the Public Eye, is the fondling of Buttocks."
Ulaylee pours more restorative into her teacup. She says, "Mr Bender and Miss Fox were caught in public with his hands on her buttocks. And we have witnesses."
Melvina nods "That's right. Witnesses!"
Irma smiles. She writes it all down.
Melvina sips her tea, taking a few deep breaths.
Ulaylee nods, "Oh, I like that much better, Milly, but -do- add `witnesses'."
Melvina asks "Read the letter. What does it say?"
Irma straightens in her seat, primely, and reads:
Ulaylee is starting to feel warm in the toes. Her eyes open and close slowly as she listens to Irma read.
--
Dear Mister Quintan, Sheriff Kyle and Mayor Garrett:
It has come to our attention that moral Terptitude has come to Maddock, and has taken the form of none other than Miss Terral Fox and Mister Elijah Bender.
Firstly, Mister Bender is a Deputy Sheriff and should be beyond reproach. His man-handling of Miss Fox must stop, or else he must forfeit his job and become a dentist.
Miss Fox is a member of one of the finest families in the community and has failed to maintain the Expected Standard. And Miss Fox's continued wearing of those sit-down-upons is reprehensible.
We demand that Social Order and Proper Behavior be the standard for Public Servants who serve the Public Trust.
An example of such behavior that Cannot be allowed to go on in thie Public Eye is the fondling of Buttocks. Mister Bender and Miss Fox were caught in public with his hands on her Buttocks. And we have witnesses.
--
Melvina looks around with admiration "That letter does say it all! I think we've exceeded ourselves!"
Mildred looks a bit disappointed. "We don't need Mandates?"
Melvina says "Oh! We forgot about Miss Fox having to get married!"
Ulaylee says, "Now we need a closing paragraph. "As you are the finest men in Maddock, we hope that you will do the Right Thing and take care of this..." She stops.."We must demands that Miss Fox be married as soon as possible.
Irma nods. "And we..." She is stopped, again, by Mildred. Mildred's voice is cut off by Ulaylee's.
Irma asks, "to whom?"
Irma writes and reads again:
Since Ulaylee is half way to crocked she looks crossly at Irma and says, "To the men, of course, you hare brained dolt of a postmistress." She's getting them confused.
Melvina thinks "Someone who'll keep her in line"
Melvina says "Someone Appropriate to the Handling of Impetuous Maidens."
Melvina likes talking in capital letters.
Ulaylee says, "Mr. O'Neill."
--
Dear Mister Quintan, Sheriff Kyle and Mayor Garrett:
It has come to our attention that moral Terptitude has come to Maddock, and has taken the form of none other than Miss Terral Fox and Mister Elijah Bender.
Firstly, Mister Bender is a Deputy Sheriff and should be beyond reproach. His man-handling of Miss Fox must stop, or else he must forfeit his job and become a dentist.
Miss Fox is a member of one of the finest families in the community and has failed to maintain the Expected Standard. And Miss Fox's continued wearing of those sit-down-upons is reprehensible.
We demand that Social Order and Proper Behavior be the standard for Public Servants who serve the Public Trust.
An example of such behavior that Cannot be allowed to go on in thie Public Eye is the fondling of Buttocks. Mister Bender and Miss Fox were caught in public with his hands on her Buttocks. And we have witnesses.
As you are the finest men in Maddock, we hope that you will do the Right Thing and take care of this. We demande that Miss Fox be married as soon as possible. To Someone Appropriate to the Handling of Impetuous Maidens.
--
Melvina purses her lips "Oh, do you think so? He broke wind the other day in the square."
Irma leaves off the part about Mister O'Neill. "Mister O'Neill?" Does the girl really deserve such a punishment?
Ulaylee says, "Well, he has good intentions." But frankly, even doing it through the hole in the sheet with Tab O'Neill is too much for Ulaylee's sensibilites. "Oh, Milly, I think I'm going to be ill."
Mildred frowns at Ulaylee. "Shall I help you to the privy, Ulaylee?"
Melvina says "I saw Mr. O'Neill staring at Mrs Brandt's back at the wedding. He did not have a Proper Expression."
Mildred does shake her head and look at Irma. "No Mister O'Neill. We'll leave the choice to Them. They would know best."
Ulaylee is a bit dizzy, luckily the chair is so tight against her own querilous buttocks, that she doesn't fall over. She waves the hanky at her face and exclaims,"I'll be allright."
Melvina nods "Yes. I think it is clear what kind of standard we expect"
Irma glances and nods to Melvina. "That could be another note, but I don't know what they'd do about that..." Irma can't make any decisions.
Ulaylee says to Melvina, "I completely concurr. Mr. O'Neill was leering at Mrs. Brandt." Even if he -was- right when he called her used goods.
Irma looks at the note in her hand. "So this is it? I should copy this?" Please - tell me when to exhale and inhale...
Ulaylee says, "I think it sounds right now, Irma."
Irma looks pleased. Mildred looks proud. Irma sets to carefully copying three letters in her lap, mousily intent on her doing, while Mildred shakes her head about O'Neill. "So he's - that Irishman - having a wife come in from back east?"
Melvina shakes her head "I heard that. I'm sure a woman is No Good who answers at Ad-ver-tis-ment in the paper"
Mildred: "At least she has the *decency* to get married.
Ulaylee says, "But Mr. O'Neill, smells bad."
Mildred can't be outdone, "And he propositions women."
Melvina looks at Mildred "No! What /has/ he done?" She leans forward eagerly.
Ulaylee says, "I thought the Reverend might punch him, or his brother might punch him, at the wedding." She would sit forward, but she can't move very much.
Mildred loves that reaction, Melvina, "Why I heard he gets drunk, then goes and asks all the ladies in the saloon -- not the working girls, mind you - if they want to..." You know.
Ulaylee says, "The sheet?" is there any other way to do the nasty?
I don't think so, Ulaylee. "No. -without-."
Ulaylee says weakly, "Oh, Milly, I'm getting the vapors."
Milly's grin is wicked. "Have some more restorative, Ulaylee, dear."
Melvina gulps down her tea and reaches for the brandy, not bothering to add tea this time.
Ulaylee helps herself, once Melvina, that selfish woman, is done with the bottle.
Ulaylee holds on to the arms of the chair and prys herself out of it carefully. "I'm going to find Mr. Ewing. I think our business is concluded." She downs the rest of the brandy in a chug.
Irma nods and scribbles away.
Ulaylee walks out the door, wavering obtusely.
Melvina drains her cup "I have some business to attend to. " She wants to see that alley.